So for a year I've been looking forward to transitioning into a new job. One with less stress and more manageable hours. One that would be better for TTC. And now the transition is upon me.
Friday was my last day and tomorrow I officially start my new job. Last week I found that I couldn't bring myself to start cleaning and packing my office. So I told myself I would go in this weekend. Yet here I am, halfway through Sunday and nothing. I feel paralyzed.
I think the act of packing signals the finality of this decision. A decision I'm still not fully convinced is right.
So now I'm stalking for time. Telling myself I'll go in in the morning before my 11 am meeting. And that I have a few more days since my replacement is at a conference until Friday.
Yet I have to wonder what the hold up is. This is what I wanted, right?
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Good News!
HSG is done. Quick, but really uncomfortable. The doctor said everything looks good - uterus and tubes are clear. No blockages. So that pesky fibroid might not be messing things up after all. ☺
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Thinking, Thinking, Thinking
I've been doing a LOT of thinking.
Firstly, about this potential surgery that I may need to have. From what I've read, and from great SMCs who have responded to my "woe-is-me" blog post on the SMC site, the surgery may not be necessary, and may require many weeks of recovery. I'm not big on medical procedures - I've been super-blessed that so far, my most major medical procedure has been the removal of 4 wisdom teeth - but I do believe in taking care of things when I'm made aware of them. Especially since I have great health insurance that will pay for it. So I will likely have surgery unless someone can convince me that it would be completely unnecessary (unlikely). Because I'm still feeling pretty ambivalent about my job change, part of me relishes the idea of several weeks off of work, while my company figures out what direction we're heading in. I know that sounds terrible, but I am truly lazy at heart, so not working sounds pretty good to me. Surgery -- not so much.
However, I really want to inseminate SOON. And the thought that the surgery could postpone insemination for a few cycles makes me incredibly sad. I'm such an instant-gratification person that once I made up my mind to pursue donor insemination and become a single mom, I wanted (want) it done yesterday! Thus the dreams about someone handing me a baby (or two, or three). I want to be pregnant and planning for a spring baby. Not continuing to think about getting pregnant and waiting many more months to even start.
I also need to process my emotions about my sister's motherhood. I've mostly dealt with my resentment from when she became pregnant many moons (years) ago - her children are finishing kindergarten now. It just felt so unfair that I had done everything "expected" and "right" and still was no closer to having a family of my own, and she had stumbled into having two beautifully smart, loving, amazing children. It still doesn't seem fair. But I'm not so angry anymore. However, as this TTC journey continues to be delayed, those old feelings are cropping up again. It isn't fair that I have worked so hard, that I've done everything that was expected of me, that I have a successful career that can support a family, and yet I'm no closer to my real goal of having a family (I have always had career goals as well, but I'm not as career-driven and ambitious as some other women. I've just always felt passionately about urban education, and therefore have worked hard to ensure equitable education for children in urban communities).
I didn't mean for this to be a whiny post. Just a post to capture what I'm feeling right now.
I have my HSG test on Friday. I'm praying for great results and that we will get the go-ahead for a June or July insemination (still have to have my psych consult ... the clinic wants to make sure I'm fully okay with donor insemination). Please pray with me!
_________________________________________________________________________________
For those of you reading my blog, but nervous about commenting with all your business showing (as I always am ... see my first post), I believe that you can choose "Anonymous" under "Post as". I haven't tried this out yet myself, but I looked it up. :)
Update: this works! (see my silly comment below) If you comment as "Anonymous", but I know you in real life (IRL), please include a clue or your initials, so I will know who you are. :)
Firstly, about this potential surgery that I may need to have. From what I've read, and from great SMCs who have responded to my "woe-is-me" blog post on the SMC site, the surgery may not be necessary, and may require many weeks of recovery. I'm not big on medical procedures - I've been super-blessed that so far, my most major medical procedure has been the removal of 4 wisdom teeth - but I do believe in taking care of things when I'm made aware of them. Especially since I have great health insurance that will pay for it. So I will likely have surgery unless someone can convince me that it would be completely unnecessary (unlikely). Because I'm still feeling pretty ambivalent about my job change, part of me relishes the idea of several weeks off of work, while my company figures out what direction we're heading in. I know that sounds terrible, but I am truly lazy at heart, so not working sounds pretty good to me. Surgery -- not so much.
However, I really want to inseminate SOON. And the thought that the surgery could postpone insemination for a few cycles makes me incredibly sad. I'm such an instant-gratification person that once I made up my mind to pursue donor insemination and become a single mom, I wanted (want) it done yesterday! Thus the dreams about someone handing me a baby (or two, or three). I want to be pregnant and planning for a spring baby. Not continuing to think about getting pregnant and waiting many more months to even start.
I also need to process my emotions about my sister's motherhood. I've mostly dealt with my resentment from when she became pregnant many moons (years) ago - her children are finishing kindergarten now. It just felt so unfair that I had done everything "expected" and "right" and still was no closer to having a family of my own, and she had stumbled into having two beautifully smart, loving, amazing children. It still doesn't seem fair. But I'm not so angry anymore. However, as this TTC journey continues to be delayed, those old feelings are cropping up again. It isn't fair that I have worked so hard, that I've done everything that was expected of me, that I have a successful career that can support a family, and yet I'm no closer to my real goal of having a family (I have always had career goals as well, but I'm not as career-driven and ambitious as some other women. I've just always felt passionately about urban education, and therefore have worked hard to ensure equitable education for children in urban communities).
I didn't mean for this to be a whiny post. Just a post to capture what I'm feeling right now.
I have my HSG test on Friday. I'm praying for great results and that we will get the go-ahead for a June or July insemination (still have to have my psych consult ... the clinic wants to make sure I'm fully okay with donor insemination). Please pray with me!
_________________________________________________________________________________
For those of you reading my blog, but nervous about commenting with all your business showing (as I always am ... see my first post), I believe that you can choose "Anonymous" under "Post as". I haven't tried this out yet myself, but I looked it up. :)
Update: this works! (see my silly comment below) If you comment as "Anonymous", but I know you in real life (IRL), please include a clue or your initials, so I will know who you are. :)
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