Full bladder

Why oh why must they torment us with a full bladder rule for ultrasounds when bladder control is at its weakest?

Waiting for my first trimester screening now. 20 minutes past appointment time. 4 women who came in after me already went in. And I got here early to do the paperwork well before my appointment time.

I'm not that bothered by the fact that they're late except I REALLY need to pee. Like afraid I will pee during the ultrasound. Oh my.

10 week appointment update

Appointment went well. The reception area is a bit decrepit, and the wait was forever (I had a long wait in the room too), but the time with the doctor was actually okay. The exam room was clean, she explained everything that was going on, and asked several times if I had any questions. She's a bit brusque, but that doesn't actually bother me - I'm much more likely to be bothered by fluff and too much peppiness. I will still check out another OB or two, but I will go ahead and schedule my next appointment - I can always change it if I find a doctor who is a better fit for me. I will have my NT scan sometime in the next three weeks - it's actually at a separate ultrasound facility so that works.

News from the appointment:
Fibroid is apparently the reason that I'm looking so pregnant. Exact words from the doctor: "Whoa! That's a big fibroid! Looks like 5 months pregnant!" She talked with me about the potential risks with the fibroid: pre-term labor, needed c-section, possible degeneration of the fibroid which would be extremely painful (like appendicitis). But there's nothing you can do but wait and see, and if something happens, we deal with it then. There is so much waiting in this baby-making game. :)

TMI alert: apparently my cervix is long and closed, and that is good? Closed I get. I don't really understand about long, but I'll take good. I like good.

AND ... I heard the heartbeat!

I wasn't holding out any hope since I'm exactly 10 weeks today (although I look twice that!), so even when she said we would listen, I was thinking we wouldn't be able to hear anything and I was trying to psych myself up so I would be okay with it without freaking out. So she has the doppler on my belly and I hear the swishy sound (apparently the background noise of my uterus), and the doctor says: "There's the baby's heartbeat. Do you hear it?" And I'm like, "No." What I was hearing was definitely not the baby's heartbeat. So now I'm losing faith in the doctor. But she perseveres. After what feels like 20 minutes - which was really probably only about 2.5 - with her face really intense, gaze focused sternly at the wall (why the wall? No idea), she says: "There it is!" And there it was - my baby's heartbeat! Wow. In some ways it's a little creepy - there's a little person with a heartbeat inside. It's totally different to hear the heartbeat than to just see it on the screen (maybe some part of me thought someone was photo shopping a baby for my sonogram pics? I don't know what nonsense goes through my ridiculous mind). It's really real. And because of the timing, I will have 2 more appointments in the next 4 weeks - the NT scan, which will give me more pictures of my baby, and my next OB appointment 4 weeks from today. So 2 more opportunities for reassurance, and then I'll be in trimester #2!

Waiting waiting waiting

(written at 4:15 pm ... got locked in my phone's cyberspace)
10 weeks on the nose for me today and sitting in the waiting room waiting to see the doctor. I don't have an OB already do I'm trying to find one - and realizing I do not have a good strategy. I've been waiting for an hour (45 minutes past my appointment time), a lady came in 30 minutes after me and already went in, and this office is not impressive. I'm already here and took the time off work do I'm going to wait, but I think I will need to keep looking.

I really wish there was some way to be automatically assured that everything's okay with the baby. I get so nervous. And even if I wanted to rent a Doppler I couldn't use it yet. I'm hoping to feel more confident once we make it to the second trimester - right on Thanksgiving.

And now I'm hungry. Uh oh.

Some good news: my blood pressure is 107 over 75! I cannot remember the last time it was normal! (And yes, I know pregnancy lowers your blood pressure). Maybe it's also the change of job? I always swore that my pressure couldn't come down until I changed jobs. 😀

The Reality of Being an SMC

As I try to enjoy the luxuries of all of my electrical items (tv, phone, lights, stove/oven, hot water, dishwasher, etc) before the power is sure to go out due to Hurricane Sandy, I've been thinking about what it might be like if this were to occur a year from now.

Would I be okay to be here alone with my baby? Would it feel better to go to my parents' so I wouldn't be alone? I don't know yet what I think, and I'm sure much more will become clear about those kinds of situations as time moves on.

I guess I'm just really starting to reflect on the "single" part of all of this. I've always been perfectly content to live alone, but it's more lonely and worrisome than usual during a potential emergency. This is why I'll move. I would be a basket case if I was here on my own with a baby right now during this storm.

Hopefully the power and generator will hold out. Be safe everyone!

Sigh ...

Today I wore maternity clothes. Aaaaaah! So much better! I may have to wear the 3 pairs of black pants I bought on rotation forever!

So happy.

8 Weeks

I've been off-line for a while.  Or at least I haven't posted in a while - here or on the other forums I follow.  I'm not sure why. 

So here we are at 8 weeks, 3 days.  Still blessedly free of morning sickness (knocking on wood as I type).  I'm hungry and tired all of the time, but I feel like I have a pretty good system to get me through the work week.  Of course on the weekend, I haven't done much except eat and sleep.  And lordy, if I wait too long to eat, the hunger becomes all-consuming, and I can't think about anything else.  The problem then is that I'm so hungry that I eat too much and then I feel sick.  That sucks.

I had my second ultrasound on Thursday (at exactly 8 weeks) and the RE said everything looked great - heartbeat was 167, and baby measured 7 weeks, 6 days.

 I also "graduated" from my RE, so I now have to find an OB.  I made an appointment with one for next Monday, so we'll see how that goes - she's affiliated with the hospital around the corner from my house, so that's convenient I guess.  I don't really know.

I've been experiencing a lot of emotions that I can't quite name or even describe adequately.  Sometimes it's a kind of vague anxiety, where I feel anxious, but can't put my finger on why.  Which makes it hard to figure out how to address it.  Sometimes I'm really excited, which is great.  When I'm really excited I have trouble focusing on anything else, which is fine on the weekend, but a bit problematic at work.

I've also spent some time the last few weeks dealing with my sadness over not having twins.  I'm happy over the moon to be pregnant and starting my family.  I just had (and still have to some degree)
to get over the fact that I have wanted to have twins for my whole life.  I've never been particularly excited about the pregnancy part of being a mom - I'm blaming my ambivalence for the fact that I am so big already! - so I've always been fairly sure I would only be pregnant once, and so I wanted to have more than one on the first try.  So I've been taking some time to really process that I'm having one baby and that is wonderful, even if it's not what I thought I wanted.  I've also come to a place of realizing that one baby is realistically all that I can manage and still maintain the level of independence that I've come to value.  I will still likely move close to family so that my mom can help with childcare, however, I think I will be able to manage pretty well as a mom of one.  At least for now.  I might reconsider a second pregnancy at some point in the future.  We'll see.  One day at a time.

So that's the quickie catch-up.  I'm hoping to be a better blogger in the upcoming weeks.

Expanding

I really do wonder if there is more than one in there because I am expanding at a rapid rate. And just last night, I thought maybe the bloating had gone down. Not!

This morning I awoke to find that my breasts had grown! Crazy. And thus my great plan to wear a printed dress (distracts the eye from the belly and doesn't require a waistband like skirts and pants) was not terribly successful as now my boobs are taking up extra space, hiking up the dress and do now the dress is too short and awfully snug when I sit down. I may have to go get some clothes in a size bigger this weekend. Ha!

Home for my new family

I want to be able to combine this pregnancy with preparation for motherhood and preparing my home for Small One.  However, I don't really want to stay here once I've given birth.  That and childcare would be cheap to free in my hometown (my mom would take care of Small One while I work), especially if I'm having more than one.  I'd also love to go back to California to be closer to my friends.  But that's sooo far from my family.  So I'll need to make a decision about that.

The larger issue really is that I want to be able to spend the next 9 months getting all geared up for baby(ies).  But that doesn't seem to make much sense when I figure I'm not going to be living here.

Some living situation context:  My EDD is May 30th.  My lease goes through June 18.  The fee for early termination is one month's rent, so ending the lease one month early (~May 18) doesn't save me any money.  In order to save on rent, I'd have to do early termination of April 18 or earlier.  Have to give 60 days notice.

Option A:  Work through early-mid May.  Pay lease through end.  Birth here.  Move a few weeks after when lease is up.

Option B:  Work through early-mid-May.  Pay lease through end.   Move right after leaving work.  Birth in new city.  (Which means all new docs and hospital)

Any other options I can think of either leave me to be uncomfortable (staying in hotel/with friends for a month) at the end of my pregnancy or leaving work early which impacts me financially, and leave-wise.  In the event that I am having more than one Small One, and have to go on bed rest, there would need to be a contingency plan for that (maybe move home with parents until after the birth).

Ultimately, all of these options lead me to believe that I won't get to do things like set up the baby's room and get the place ready for the new addition to my family.   In all my thinking and planning on the way into this, I seem to have forgotten to really figure out this issue in a way that makes sense and doesn't have me trying to move while enormously pregnant or right after giving birth.  Basically, I need to prepare to pay a lot for movers, because in these scenarios I wouldn't be able to move much on my own.

Okay.  Needed to write this all so that I could put it away for now.  As I see it, I can't do anything about it now.  I'll work on figuring it out in a few months.

ETA:  I did find that my apartment company has a property about 15 minutes from my parents.  That could be super convenient, because I could transfer easily - they only require 30 days notice and an early termination fee (which is less than one month's rent).  That's could be an option.

Beta #3

3040 - exactly doubled from #2 two days ago!

My first appointment and ultrasound is on October 8th! So exciting!

Blood test drama

So much drama today for Beta #3!

First, traffic was ridiculous. I'm talking 3 cycles at a light. Ugh.

And about 60 minutes in the car is about all my bladder can take. I do drink water in the car, but goodness! I had to pee so badly that I was yelling curses at people in the car (windows up).

Then I couldn't find street parking. Boo. Gave up (since I was about to wet myself) and paid $10 to park in the tiniest lot ever.

RAN to the office. Tried the bathroom in the hallway... Locked. Boo!

Ran into office, scribbled my info on the intake form, practically threw it at the nurse and unabashedly RACED to the restroom. I'm really glad there was no one in my direct line of travel. I would have mowed anyone down at that point!

After the blessed relief. I went and sat down like a normal person. Aaaah!

But the problems did not end there. 3 tries and two techs to draw my blood. Extra fun for a person who is TERRIFIED of needles. We had issues for beta 2 as well. I hate having blood drawn but I've never had issues like this before. Usually just terror. I'm thinking that Small One doesn't want to share. 😘

Now we wait. Based on the first two, I should expect to hear from my nurse around 2 pm.

No waist?

I got dressed this morning and noticed that my waist has disappeared.  I look square!  

Square (or rectangular!) me.
Where did my waist go?

At work today, I sat at my desk with the top of my skirt hiked up to my rib cage. This bloat is no joke.

In other news, Beta #2 came back at 1520!  That's about 33 hour doubling time.  I don't really know what that means, but my nurse said it's good!  I go back Wednesday morning for one more beta test, then we move ahead from there!

I keep reading about betas because I'm hoping for twins.  However, the triplet dreams won't go away!  :)  My beta levels are on the high end for singletons and right about average for twins or triplets.  However, from everything I've read, betas mean nothing in actuality except that you are pregnant!  We shall see ...

It's really exciting, however, it just really dawned on me that I'm going to be doing this pregnancy alone for the most part because all my "people" are far away from here.  That makes me kinda sad.  I'm working on a post about my "plans" to move closer to my peeps. 

Telling Folks

I'm trying to figure out why I haven't told my family yet.  I talked with them about my plans and they are really supportive.  They especially love the fact that I'm most likely going to move back home (it's been 20 years since I lived there) to be closer to family support.  But I've been avoiding the call.  At first I told myself I would wait until the beta so that I could be sure.  Now I've had beta results since Friday, and I still haven't called.  Am I waiting for the next beta?  Why?  Am I waiting for ultrasound a few weeks from now?

 

Sometimes my pregnancy and the fact that there is a baby growing inside me doesn't seem real yet.  Especially since the twingey belly symptoms all seemed to have been related to the initial creation of the baby (fertilization and implantation) because I've had almost none since.  I am truly grateful to not be vomiting or hating food - I like food way too much.  So maybe that's the reason?  I definitely think it's part of the reason why I keep testing every day.

The people I have told are my best friend and friends who have been following my TTC story with me - one with kids of her own, one who is about 21 weeks pregnant, and a couple who also used donor sperm to conceive their 2 children.  There is also a close single friend of mine who I haven't told yet.  No idea why not. 

I do want to talk to my sister.  Somehow I don't have much recollection of talking about details with her during her pregnancy.  I don't remember when she found out she was pregnant, when she found out she was having twins, what her symptoms were like, etc.  I'm thinking I will call her today.  I'm pretty sure I will need to tell my parents immediately after though.  My mom will be soooo upset if I don't tell her myself.  Although, I think she was the one who told me that my sister was pregnant initially.

There's one more thing that I believe feeds into my feelings about telling these other folks.  I desperately want to know how many babies I'm having.  If it's more than one, I think I feel that this will justify the poor fertility numbers (FSH and AMH) because it could be proof that I ovulate more than one egg per cycle, thereby reducing the number of eggs I have left.  And I've always wanted "twins on the first try" (that used to be what I said during my teens and twenties).  If I'm growing a singleton, that's truly wonderful too!  I just want to be a mom!  And then there are the periodic dreams of triplets.  Those dreams are a bit more nerve-wracking now that I AM pregnant, because being a triplet mom on my own feels exponentially harder than being a singleton or twin mom on my own.  Yet, it still would be truly exciting.  I just want to be a mom!  I'm thinking that's why I didn't say anything to the nurse when she set my appointment for "blood work and an ultrasound".  I think my subconscious (and even my conscious) mind is hoping to get a look-see soon to find out how many sacs and babies are growing inside.

Today, I am pregnant, and in the spring I'm going to become a parent!  I guess it doesn't matter who I tell now or 3 weeks from now, or at the end of the first trimester.  I'm going to have a baby (or more).  I'm going to be a mom!  I guess technically I am a mom now.  My baby/babies just haven't arrived yet.  :)

Update on the last few days (with Beta!)

I have so many thoughts tumbling around in my head, and I've been composing half-posts in my head for the last few days.  For some reason, I have been having some trouble gathering my thoughts into intelligent sentences, which is weird because I'm usually extremely verbal.  One friend said I'm already suffering from pregnancy brain!  That may be part of it - I also think I'm experiencing a whole lot of emotions very rapidly, and they're causing my super-analytical mind to become a bit mushy. 

I'll start with the part that is easiest for me:  an update on the last few days.

I noticed that I have been having some cravings - nothing too weird, but curious.  First, I require sweets every day!  I don't usually have too much of a sweet tooth, but there is a point every day lately when I need a cupcake or a cookie or ice cream.  The granola bar or cup of pudding that I usually have in my lunch bag doesn't really cut it.  Then on Friday, I apparently really needed PUMPKIN.  I stopped off for a decaf pumpkin latte after my beta test, then while shopping Friday evening, I bought pumpkin waffles and pumpkin ravioli without even noticing the theme.  And I wanted another pumpkin latte yesterday, but was far too tired to go get one.

Which brings me to exhaustion.  Last week, I noticed I was more tired than usual when I got home from work, but it was okay.  Yesterday, though, was an animal of a different color!  I was so exhausted all day.  It was all I could do to change the sheets on my bed and do one load of laundry.  I had planned to go to an SMC gathering, but my afternoon "nap" went way longer than expected.  And then my "get-up-and-go" had gone, and I was moving so slowly, that by the time I got to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, they were closed (my fault for reading the website incorrectly).  I did feel better about 1 hour after my "nap" but I don't think I can sleep for 3.5 hours every afternoon!

Okay, here is the real news:  Beta Test!  I didn't get to actually speak with my nurse because she called while I was leading a training and then the office was closed by the time I was done, but she said, (and I quote) "your blood test has confirmed that you are in fact pregnant, so congratulations!  Your blood test today was 338, so that's a great first level ..."  She went on to say they were looking for at least 100 today, and that I need to come back on Monday for another test.  Woohoo!  One would think that this would mean I would no longer feel compelled to POAS to confirm that I am, in fact, still pregnant, but no ... I picked up some store brand tests (2 for $5) and tested again this morning.  I'm hoping this compulsion will go away soon (I believe I have mentioned my tendency toward the C in OCD) because I know it's not helping anything, and it would be ridiculous to test for 35 more weeks.

I freaked out a bit on Friday night because I needed to refill my progesterone prescription and schedule for the next beta, but I had missed the office hours on Friday.  Later, when my rational mind kicked in again, I remembered that there was a weekend number, so I called on Saturday and was able to schedule my appointment and find out how to transfer a prescription.  When scheduling the appointment, the nurse said, "You need an appointment for blood work and ultrasound?"  And I said "yes."  However, I don't believe that is correct.  I just re-listened to the message from my nurse and she clearly said "you need to make an appointment for Monday morning for blood work only".  Oops.  Curious to know what will happen when I get there.  Will I get a bonus U/S?  Is there anything to see at 4w4d?

So that is the update on what has gone on over the last few days.  I'm working on another post about my emotional state right now, but I'll keep that separate - otherwise this one post will turn out to be dissertation-length.

12dpiui

I am so aggravated and I need to rant a bit.

But before I do - I'm still pregnant and so so so happy!

I need to vent so that I can return to reveling in the joy.

I have worked for my current employer for a little over 3 years.  In that time, I've watched many people go out on leave (maternity or medical) with full salary - they have to use some/all of their sick time, but they did not have a reduction in salary.  My current benefits package is part of the reason that I decided to stay while TTC - so that I could take advantage of the maternity leave that I've earned.  If I had relocated and started a new job this past summer, I would not qualify for maternity leave in May/June.

Anyway, it's Open Enrollment time for benefits.  As I was clicking through the online system, checking out how much I would need to contribute for health insurance and supplemental life insurance once Small One arrives, I noticed something new under short term disability.  So I talked to someone from HR and learned that as of 10/1/12 we no longer pay full salary for maternity leave.  We get 50% salary and we can contribute to get another 10% (which clearly I did).

I'm just so aggravated because I feel like I spent all this time and energy to make informed choices to make this pregnancy possible, and I made some sacrifices as well (i.e. choosing to stay here for another year).  And now I feel like I'm being shortchanged, and I would have been better off doing this a year ago, even though I felt like it would have been irresponsible to go on leave while in my former position.

So Boo.

I know that in the greater scheme of things, I am blessed to have my job, salary, and excellent benefits.  I know that many others have to take maternity leave entirely unpaid.  So I know that I am whining, and it's annoying.  I'm annoying myself.  It just seems so unfair.

Okay, rant over.

I'm pregnant.  On the first try.  It is amazing, I am so excited, and I am truly blessed.

I added some tickers to the page, based on an EDD "guesstimate".  Will update when I get an official EDD.  :)

11dpiui

Still pregnant!

I plan to test each morning until beta for continued confirmation. And positive thinking that I won't need the extra tests in the future! If the last two days are any indication, I will also "confirm" every evening when I get home from work.

My lines are still getting darker:

I am sooo bloated. I feel like I look pregnant already! It's probably the fibroid taking up space. I have it in my list to ask the doctor about. This morning I couldn't get into the skirt I'd planned to wear. Instead I wore a pair of capris that are usually a size too big.

That's all the news for today. At some point I'll post something more insightful. 😉

10dpiui

I am 10dpiui and 11dpo today.
I didn't want to admit it, but I started testing at 8dpo - just to see.
8dpo - BFN (no surprise, but it is amazing how stark white the test can be!)
9dpo - BFN
10dpo - faint line on strip test - don't have to squint or tilt or anything to see it.  It's definitely there  (From what I can see on the "preview" of this page, you may have to squint to see it, though).  Tried to confirm with digital.  Nada - "not pregnant".

 



Tried again later that evening on a strip to see if it got darker.  I think it got a little darker.


Bottom: 5:30 am; Top:  9:30 pm.

And ignore the blue LH strip. Too much googling - I read that an OPK can test for pregnancy. Had to give it a try.

So now it's 11dpo and I test at 5:15 am with FMU.  Check it out:

See that BFP there?!?!



WOW!  OMG!  It's real.  BFP!

Really real.
And now I'm kinda freaking out.  I want this so much.  But I'm also really nervous.  I want it to stick and I want everything to go well.  And I want to fast forward through time.  Even with the positive, the 2ww isn't over until the blood test on Friday.  And then, from what I understand (and I've done a LOT of reading), it's just more waiting between milestones.  Yikes.

I'm freaking out that something will go wrong and this won't be real.  I'm glad I got the positive this morning because of course I freaked myself out all day yesterday that choosing to run the 5K was a poor choice.  I'm over analyzing everything - trying to plan for finances, where I will live, what job I will have etc.

I am truly truly thankful and recognize that I am inordinately blessed!  I think my doctor is going to be really surprised that I got pregnant on the first try with my fertility numbers.  Trying to think positive:  I've convinced myself that I dropped multiple eggs, and that's why my fsh is so high - I generally kick out more than one egg per cycle (possible as there are a lot of twins in my family).  I also have always wanted twins!  Though, I also keep dreaming that there are 3 in there.  3 is a lot.  However, I will be happy with my blessing(s), whatever the quantity!  :)

I'm pregnant.  Wow.

8dpiui

Let's start with a symptom recap.
I've been noting my "symptoms" (probably all in my head) in my Notes app throughout the day. 

5dpiui - Woke up with aches in my back and on my left side.  Temp = 97.91.  While getting ready for work, had cramps that felt EXACTLY like period cramps.  That evening, I had some pressure low on the right and some pains in my back - very localized, like I could literally put my finger on it.  Late, around 11 pm, I felt flutters on my right side.  I barely know how to explain it - it was a crazy feeling.  It felt like a small section on my right side was twitching (like when my eyelid twitches, which it was earlier that day, but much faster!).

Felt period-like cramps over night. Boo. 

6dpiui - Woke up with achy back again.  Temp = 97.98.  Didn't really notice anything else during the day.  Felt some twinges after 7 pm while reading.  Was really hungry in the evening, even immediately after eating.  I ate pasta with chicken and a bowl of spinach for dinner.  Then two slices of pizza and a glass of milk.  Was still hungry!

7dpiui - Temp = 97.91.  8 am - felt a pulsing pressure in my right hip while driving.  S!ri could NOT figure out what "pulsing" was - she was practically writing the note in German!  That made me chuckle a little, while I was also frustrated that I was trying to be all hands-free in the car.   Hip pain continued off and on all day.  Minor aching in my back and breasts from time to time.  Around 12:30, I got really dizzy and lightheaded while kneeling on the floor and sorting materials ... I was totally not over-exerting myself.  I was really thirsty all day - by 1 pm, I already drank 64 oz of water, 2 cups of coffee and a mug of herbal tea.  After 4 pm, I started to feel like the flu was coming on - back aches and pressure in my head.  By 7:45, I was so tired I could barely think about making dinner.  Went to bed by 9:30.

8dpiui/Today - Temp = 98.22.  I felt fine when I woke up, so I went to workout.  Running 5.0 (my usual slower speed) was too hard.  Tried 4.5 which felt better but still had my heart rate over 150.  Tried 4.2 mph.  That felt so slow, so I just decided to walk at 3.5.  After my run, my lower back was achy and my hips felt "creaky" and old.  Went to bank and grocery store.  Was just supposed to pick up 3 things which I actually wrote down!  While at the grocery store, felt an overwhelming need for pork and beans.  I mean I like them, but it was a powerful need!  Last night I really wanted some tomato soup - I was way too tired to do anything about it, since I didn't have any, but I picked some up today.  Come to think about it, I have had tomato soup three times since my IUI (once for lunch immediately after #2).  My morning coffee (after workout and errands) tasted like dirt.  Had to add another spoon of sugar.  Around 11 am, I noticed a spot (about 1 inch in diameter) of pressure that also feels firm to the touch in my abdomen - maybe right side of uterus?  I've said before that I don't really understand or know where my uterus is in my midsection except low.  Since then I'm just kinda tired and restless.  Got a little bit of a nauseous feeling while sweeping.  That seemed stupid.

I registered for a 5K tomorrow - it's actually sponsored by my clinic, and my race registration entered me into a raffle for $10,000 worth of treatments (could be 1 cycle IVF).  Hopefully this first try was successful, and it won't be needed.  From what I read, it looks like if you win, you can transfer the prize to someone else, which is good.  The real question is whether I should run tomorrow.  It was hard to keep my bpm under 150 this morning.  And I didn't run at all last week (week 1 of 2ww), and only a little bit in the couple of weeks before that.  And it's about a 45 minute drive away, which means I would need to leave the house by like 6:45 am.  Yuck!  Maybe I'll just wait and see how I feel in the morning?  I have been good about temping at 5:00 am every day.  And today I got up for a few minutes at that time (partially because I had to pee).  We shall see.

Also, tomorrow will be 9dpiui and 10dpo (according to ff).  I might start testing.  I know it's early, but since my LP is usually only 12-13 days, FF says my test day is Wednesday (13dpo).  I'm scheduled for blood test on 15dpo (14dpiui).  Suggestions welcomed!

4 dpiui

Or 5 dpo.  I don't know how to count.  :)
I ovulated 6 days ago, but had my 2nd B2B IUI 5 days ago.  Who knows.

Anyhow, "symptom" check (probably all imaginary, or only noticeable because I'm obsessing):

• Nausea at 8 am while driving to work.  Just one wave.  Went away quickly and didn't come back.
•  At about 11 am, felt some pinching on my right side - low down towards uterus.  I've read on other blogs/forums where women describe their twinges/pinches/cramps in their uterus.  I can't say I'm 100% sure where my uterus is exactly.  Hmmm ... wonder if it's the fibroid?  or my tilted uterus?  Whatever the reason, I can only describe the sensations as being in my midsection (high, low, middle, side, etc.)
• At about noon, still having pinching sensations on the lower right and some weird pinching and pulling feelings on the right but higher up.  Had one sharp pinch on the left a little while before I noted these sensations.
• I had to move boxes of books today.  Wonder if that was a problem and the pinching feelings were a result?  Although the sensations started before the box moving.
• Tried to stay busy the rest of the day and not focus on weird abdominal twinges.  Noticed them occasionally.
• Bloated.  Had to unbutton my pants while sitting at my desk.  Boo.
• Since I've come home, continued to notice twinges and pinches.  Mostly on the right.  Just now, had a weird sensation on and above my right hip area.  Weird.
• Emotional rollercoaster again.  Most of the day was fine, but then I got completely overwhelmed while talking to one of my bosses after an evening meeting and nearly started crying.  So ridiculous!  It was a stupid issue and NOT AT ALL worth crying over.  I was just mad and aggravated.  I honestly nearly quit my job at the end of the conversation.  Damn you prometrium!  Please make a cushy lining for my BFP, but leave my emotions alone!  I will be okay with the emotional mood swings once I'm good and pregnant and can explain this to people.  I wish I could just hide in my office for the next week and a half.

So that's my day so far.  All of my "symptoms" probably mean nothing except that I've somehow gained the O in OCD (I already had the super C).  I mean, it's not even time for any kind of symptoms, right?  I wonder if my insides always have these twinges and I just don't notice them?

Many more days left in this two week wait.

3 dpiui

Time is passing sooooo slowly. I feel like the IUIs were at least a week ago. How can it only be 3 days after the second one?

The first few days I had a lot of thingy, crampy, squidgy-type feelings in my midsection. Probably me imagining things, but in my fairy tale version of events, it meant that things were a-happenin'!!!

Today was a tough day. I was nauseous and my back was hurting. No fun. And I'm not sure if it's the progesterone, but I was unduly emotional today. I nearly burst into tears at several different points today - talking to a frustrating tech support person from another company, realizing I had boxes of books to move (as part of my job ... Gonna have to figure that part out) when I'm not supposed to do heavy lifting (I think), and most ridiculous of all: at least two different times while talking to friends or family who were trying to wish me happy birthday! It's like all would. E fine and then I'd suddenly get super-overwhelmed and nearly start crying. So my apologies T for the abrupt end to our chat - hopefully my emotions will even out some soon.

If this is what I'm in for for another 38 weeks, look out!

Questions and some updates

Do you ever wonder if there is a reason for when things go wrong? Not wrong in a major or significant way, but inconvenient annoyances?

This morning I WAY overslept. Like woke up 30 min after I should have called to authorize thaw! And then I had to super rush to get to the clinic for my appt. (I made it with 1 minute to spare)

The annoyance is that I am not ready for work yet do I have to go back home before I go in. And I still have a bunch of stuff to do before a 1:30 meeting. I wish I could just take the rest of the day, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards.

And I woke up with a sore throat. Good news is that I bought vitamin C drops last night, so that's helping.

I just kinda need the day. We'll see how I feel later. Not a good start to the day.

Ok. Positive happy thoughts. I'm making a baby! Stomach discomfort yesterday may have been due to slightly undercooked shrimp I made for dinner on Wednesday. But I'd rather think it was follicles releasing eggs and spermies excitedly fertilizing them!

Had 26 million spermies today. The nurse said "that's really great!". She sounded surprised. 😊. So 46 million little swimmers in total. Wacky!

Scheduled my test for the 21st at 7:30 am. Now comes the waiting.

And the progesterone which, from what I've been reading and hearing from the wise ladies on the forum, comes with some funky side effects. The good thing is that I'm starting on the weekend so I'll have a chance to see how I do before dealing with work too. The not so great news is that my birthday is Monday and weird side effects seem a sucky way to ring in 36.

That was fast ...

First IUI today.
When I checked in they said they were running about 20 min behind.

No problem.

Then they call me in, have me check all my info and donor number. Then speculum and then done about 10 seconds later. I didn't feel a thing - a little pressure from the speculum then a little something with the catheter but my goodness! That was kinda anticlimactic!

Then five minutes of lying down -with timer - then done. Until I come back for round 2 tomorrow.

20 million swimmers. Doctor said those were good numbers. Hopefully will double tomorrow. You'd think 1 of 40 million will take, right?

Feeling a little crampy now. Must be those foreign little guys making their way through my uterus.

This is pretty surreal! I so hope it works!

It's a Date!

Got my surge! Two lines and smiley. My nurse was a bit concerned that we might miss the surge because I had a faint line late last night. But no smiley face last night.

My IUIs are scheduled for Thursday morning at 10:30 and Friday morning at 9:30. I have to call 90 min before to authorize them to thaw the specimen. I appreciate that i won't have to just sit and wait, but it still seems weird!

I wonder: when you do B2B, how do you count the days post? Will Friday be 1dpi or not until Saturday?

Updated to add: still surging at 8:30 pm. Timing is looking good. Fingers crossed and prayers welcomed!

CD 10

How will I survive the two week wait when I can barely stand the wait for ovulation?

I feel like it's all I think about ...

Conception Checklist (CD 6)

Aunt Flo? - check! (although it was wacky ... started late and only lasted 3 days - I always have a 5 day flow ... hmmm)

Swimmers ordered and shipped to RE? - check!

Swimmers arrived at RE? - not sure yet, calling today

Pre-natal vitamins and supplements daily? - check!

Waiting, waiting, waiting? - check! check! check!

About 10 days to go ...

Updated to say: Swimmers arrived at RE? - - check!

Birthday musings

My 36th birthday is two weeks from Monday. I realized that due to the tardy arrival of AF, I may be inseminating on my birthday! (I'm doing back to back insems).

I'm hoping that is another sign that this try will work. How crazy of a conception story would that be???

Update

The train is pulling in.

Aunt Flo is arriving.

HALLELUJAH!

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Seriously? This is ridiculous ...

For once I'm really excited for my period to start because then we can get this show on the road! (well, there was also that other time, after being a bit irresponsible with the bcp - oops)

But AF is lost. My luteal phase is 12 days. Maybe 13 once in the last 9 months of charting. I'm now at 15 DPO and ... Nothing.

My temps are also still above the cover line.

And I'm certainly not pregnant. So that's not it.

This would happen now.

C'mon lady parts! Don't fail me now! You can do it!

A Sign?

So today I'm on my way to the salon for a much-needed Mani-pedi. This has been a super crazy busy few weeks at work (at my new less-intense job!). I stop at the trash room to put my trash down the chute and see this:

It's a crib that appears to be in great shape! Usually I get mad at my neighbors who are too lazy to take their large items down to the bins on the first floor, but today I'm excited!!!

So I claimed it and it is being stored in the closet on my porch until its time. I figure if someone wants to buy me a brand new crib, then I can put this back where I found it and let it bless someone else. Or I can convince the generous gifter to take care of another big ticket item.

It will need cleaning (this why it is NOT inside my apartment yet) but that will be a good project while I'm pregnant.

Here's hoping this means great things for try #1 in about 3 weeks!

Timing

I am really excited about my upcoming insemination in September - praying for my first and only!

However being who I am, I have to look forward into the future (not yet promised) ...

If I get pregnant from my September insemination, then I will be due late May-early June. Pretty convenient for the end of the school year. I will get 16 weeks of maternity leave, which means at full term delivery, I'd be going back to work toward the end of September.

Here's my dilemma: after I give birth, I don't think I want to stay in my current city because this is not where my real support system is. However, I want the maternity leave that I have earned, and clearly if I were to move sooner, I would not earn enough time in my new job for paid maternity leave.

I'm feeling a bit torn about this. Would I return to work in my current city after leave and give my two week notice? Then work two weeks and relocate (in this scenario I would probably "actually" relocate much earlier - as in right around the birth - and get hired for a new job to start after my last two weeks.) Is that unethical? How long would I need to stay post-leave to feel ok about it? Why am I worrying about this before a BFP? (answer to that last question is the C in OCD which makes it hard for me to do things without a plan in place. Especially something this big!).

Help please!

Random post ... Shopping

I had the brilliant idea today to go to Walmart because I needed some drugstore-type items (vitamins and a few supplements to try to improve those terrible numbers - likely not to work but can't hurt!) and some grocery type items. I even waited until 8 pm thinking the real shoppers would be gone.

However, apparently only 3 people work in this store and I'm questioning whether they are all still in training because none of the lines are moving. The lines curve back into the shopping area.

I am in line 22 and as you can tell from my picture, I am not even in the vicinity of the line! Argh!!! And it's not just my lane. They're all like this. my food is melting in the cart and I am so aggravated. Such is my really exciting Saturday night. Boo.

Thanks for listening.

OPK +

I got my positive OPK test this evening. I will test again in the morning. May have been positive this an, but I had to be to work by 7 am so no testing for me!

Four weeks to go!

Divine Message

I've been trying to get everything back on track for TTC, since I pretty much fell off during the wait due to the fibroids.  Now that we're all set to go in September, I'm trying to work on getting my life back together.  I had done a good job of exercising this summer - was up to 15+ miles running weekly, until the last two weeks (been doing a lot of manual labor during the day at work, and could not fathom getting up early to run beforehand ...although I'm committed to doing so this upcoming week).  But everything else was a bit of a mess.

So I've been cooking this weekend, reading, cleaning, running, and generally taking better care of myself.  This afternoon, I went out to the pool to get a little sun (and Vitamin D!).  I was only out for about an hour before the clouds moved in and the wind picked up - think a storm is coming!  As I was walking back to my apartment, I passed through one of the courtyards.  There was a woman sitting a table, reading.  She looked up as I passed and we both smiled and said hello.

Just as I reached the far side of the courtyard, she called out to me ("Miss!").  I turned around, thinking that maybe I had dropped something.  I walked back over to her, and she said that she had a scripture :  "For with God, nothing shall be impossible."  She said that as I passed, the scripture just came to her, and she wanted to share.

Wow!  I thanked her and told her that it was "right on time!"

When I got back to my apartment, I looked up the verse (I am very familiar with it, but could not recall its context).  The scripture comes from when the angel Gabriel came to Mary to tell her that she was going to have a child, and that her cousin Elizabeth would have a child in her old age.

Wow, again.

I'm going to continue to pray and continue to get my life in order.

I feel blessed to have experienced that brief moment today that demonstrates that He is watching and overseeing this process, even when I feel alone.

Green light!

So I just left my RE's office.

I got the go-ahead for my first IUI on my next cycle!

We did all my final paperwork and I'm set to go. So I will have my first IUI around the first week of September. Yay! Finally!

So what did we discuss today:
We had a lot of tests and scans to review ...

* ovarian cyst - could resolve on its own, likely not endometriosis according to HSG results. Will continue to monitor.

*. Fibroids - there are several, some very large. Since I don't have any symptoms due to them, and they aren't inside or distorting uterus, surgery not warranted at this time, as scarring from surgery could negatively impact my ability to get pregnant on my own (could still do IVF). So no surgery! Wahoo!

* the numbers - FSH is elevated (24.6) and AFC is a little low (8). AMH was mysteriously not reported in any of my tests so I have to get some more bloodwork done. Overall though, ovarian reserve doesn't look great.

We will start with unmediated IUIs then re-evaluate after 3 if necessary.

That's it for now. Excited!

Are we there yet?

So I FINALLY go to see my RE again tomorrow. After MRI, HSG, blood work and social work consult, I believe I have all my ducks in order to start this process. Tomorrow I will find out if surgery is needed or if we can get started.

I'm in CD 6 today and had hoped to start this cycle, but my clinic is strict about starting the "cycle" at the beginning so I can't start until my next period (end of August) with first imsem being in early September.

Here's hoping for good news tomorrow!

So what's going on?

Haven't posted in a while ...

Still having crazy "have-some-babies" guardianship to adoption dreams (where basically a lawyer shows up at my house to drop off newborn triplets). But I still want a baby or babies of my own.

So here's the status update: my next appointment with my RE is August 1st. At that point, we will discuss if I need to have surgery for the fibroid. If so, then I will do that and move my TTC plans back a while to allow for recovery. I've read that could be a month or more. If I don't need surgery, then I want to get started this cycle.

August 1 will be CD 7 or 8. My bank wants me to call for shipping on CD 1-3. So I'm waiting to hear back from he clinic about whether I can ship now, not knowing yet which cycle will be my first IUI.

That's all I've got for now. 😉

Questioning the route?

Lately I've been having these dreams about (complicated) situations where I unexpectedly become a mom via adoption. And I've become kinda consumed with this idea. However, even as I run through the scenario in my head (which I think is primarily dr driven by timing - I want to be a mom NOW. or yesterday), I become troubled by my concurrent desire to have a baby of my own - who will be flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone.

Not sure about the point of this post. It's just what's on my mind.

And I hate auto-correct.

Transition

So for a year I've been looking forward to transitioning into a new job. One with less stress and more manageable hours. One that would be better for TTC. And now the transition is upon me.

Friday was my last day and tomorrow I officially start my new job. Last week I found that I couldn't bring myself to start cleaning and packing my office. So I told myself I would go in this weekend. Yet here I am, halfway through Sunday and nothing. I feel paralyzed.

I think the act of packing signals the finality of this decision. A decision I'm still not fully convinced is right.

So now I'm stalking for time. Telling myself I'll go in in the morning before my 11 am meeting. And that I have a few more days since my replacement is at a conference until Friday.

Yet I have to wonder what the hold up is. This is what I wanted, right?

Good News!

HSG is done. Quick, but really uncomfortable. The doctor said everything looks good - uterus and tubes are clear. No blockages. So that pesky fibroid might not be messing things up after all. ☺

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

I've been doing a LOT of thinking.

Firstly, about this potential surgery that I may need to have.  From what I've read, and from great SMCs who have responded to my "woe-is-me" blog post on the SMC site, the surgery may not be necessary, and may require many weeks of recovery.  I'm not big on medical procedures - I've been super-blessed that so far, my most major medical procedure has been the removal of 4 wisdom teeth - but I do believe in taking care of things when I'm made aware of them.  Especially since I have great health insurance that will pay for it.  So I will likely have surgery unless someone can convince me that it would be completely unnecessary (unlikely).  Because I'm still feeling pretty ambivalent about my job change, part of me relishes the idea of several weeks off of work, while my company figures out what direction we're heading in.  I know that sounds terrible, but I am truly lazy at heart, so not working sounds pretty good to me.  Surgery -- not so much.

However, I really want to inseminate SOON.  And the thought that the surgery could postpone insemination for a few cycles makes me incredibly sad.  I'm such an instant-gratification person that once I made up my mind to pursue donor insemination and become a single mom, I wanted (want) it done yesterday!  Thus the dreams about someone handing me a baby (or two, or three).  I want to be pregnant and planning for a spring baby.  Not continuing to think about getting pregnant and waiting many more months to even start.

I also need to process my emotions about my sister's motherhood.  I've mostly dealt with my resentment from when she became pregnant many moons (years) ago - her children are finishing kindergarten now.  It just felt so unfair that I had done everything "expected" and "right" and still was no closer to having a family of my own, and she had stumbled into having two beautifully smart, loving, amazing children.  It still doesn't seem fair.  But I'm not so angry anymore.  However, as this TTC journey continues to be delayed, those old feelings are cropping up again.  It isn't fair that I have worked so hard, that I've done everything that was expected of me, that I have a successful career that can support a family, and yet I'm no closer to my real goal of having a family (I have always had career goals as well, but I'm not as career-driven and ambitious as some other women.  I've just always felt passionately about urban education, and therefore have worked hard to ensure equitable education for children in urban communities).

I didn't mean for this to be a whiny post.  Just a post to capture what I'm feeling right now.

I have my HSG test on Friday.  I'm praying for great results and that we will get the go-ahead for a June or July insemination (still have to have my psych consult ... the clinic wants to make sure I'm fully okay with donor insemination).  Please pray with me!

_________________________________________________________________________________

For those of you reading my blog, but nervous about commenting with all your business showing (as I always am ... see my first post), I believe that you can choose "Anonymous" under "Post as".  I haven't tried this out yet myself, but I looked it up.  :)

Update:  this works!  (see my silly comment below)  If you comment as "Anonymous", but I know you in real life (IRL), please include a clue or your initials, so I will know who you are.  :)

Fortune Cookie

This evening I ate a fortune cookie (no Chinese food ... ate that Sunday, but forgot the fortune cookie ... is the fortune still valid if it's not combined with Chinese food?) and it said:

Your career is moving more and more towards service to others.

 I find this mysterious because:  (a) I'm in the process of changing jobs for the first time in 8 years, and (b) I work in education, which is already in service to others.  I don't believe in fortune cookie fortunes (especially since mine usually say something really wise and enlightening like "Your name starts with a capital letter"), but the timing was interesting since I nearly quit my job about 3 times today.

I should hang that fortune in my office.  :)

 

Remind Me Again: Why Did I Change Jobs?

So the last few days have been a bit wonky.  Work is just weird.  I'm still not really sure what my new job is, and from  what I can tell, it's not really the new job I originally signed up for.  It seems like a lot lower level position -- good from a reduce-stress, improve-work-life-balance, get-pregnant standpoint; however, I'm not sure I will be able to tolerate a job that I find more annoying than professionally challenging.  I've never had this kind of job, and I feel WAY over-qualified (is that presumptuous of me?).  Maybe it's just the change, and I need to finish settling in.  Besides, I've never been a fan of preparing to get ready for work after the weekend anyway ... I am the queen of the Sunday evening blues!

I don't typically dream like other people - I often have dreams that recur for multiple days, as the storyline tries to work itself out (I think it's the OCD in me ...).  Recently, I keep having this dream where I adopt triplets throughout some complicated, last-minute legal maneuvering.  As exciting as this is (at least in part because I would get to take immediate leave from work ... see earlier whining about work), it's also really scary because I'm still so far from ready to actually be a mom (not in the emotional sense, but in the technical/logistics sense).  I feel that I could care for a child or two (three is stretching it a bit) as a caregiver and mom, but there are still so many technical/logistical things to figure out and prepare:  where to live, what that means for work, saving money so that I can buy what's needed, etc.  I know in my heart that if things worked out that I could adopt today or tomorrow, I would go through with it and have faith that the Lord would provide what was needed for my child.  The Type A in me still wants to plan, plan, plan.

I wonder too, if the dreams are also a result of this waiting game to find out whether I will even be able to have my own biological child ... did my subconscious just switch over to adoption dreams to compensate?

Update ... Sort of

So I finally talked to the nurse today to get the verdict on my MRI films. We've been playing phone tag for days.

She said that the doctor reviewed the films and wants me to have the HSG test done before making a decision. I'm not sure what the HSG test has to do with a fibroid outside of my uterus, so I may see another doctor for advice.

But in the meantime, we're in the "wait and see" period. (someone said there's a whole lotta waiting when TTC!)

No news ... Is good gnus?

So .... I didn't hear from my doctor today and the day was so crazy (more about that later) that I didn't have time to call. I did receive an email from the nurse saying they need to see my MRI films before the doctor can give his opinion. So I will drop off the films tomorrow.

And the wait continues.

In work news I sorta started my new job today. It was weird. I'm used to the hustle and bustle of being inside a school with kids. It was very bizarre to come off of vacation (during the school year - bizarre enough in itself) and go to a very quiet office. Wonder if I'll ever get used to this.

I'm currently straddling 2 jobs which has its own stress, especially as not sure yet what is expected of me in my new job. Here's hoping all goes well!

How'd I Get Here?

I read a lot of TTC blogs, though I am one of those people who reads and never comments (hopefully, by setting up my own blog I will be able to post comments - I am not-so-especially savvy with all of the communication technology, and could never figure out how to post a comment without listing my email address for all to see!).  As I've been reading, I have really been considering restarting journaling to better track my own TTC journey.  Since I type faster than I write by hand, I thought this might be a good way to record this journey, and maybe even make some connections while I'm at it.

So what's my story?

I never really felt like the cliched woman who looked back and thought "I focused on my career instead of family."  I am very driven and highly committed to my work (in education) and have been blessed to have a rapid rise up the career ladder.  But I never felt that I was working in spite of having children, or putting off family until a later date.  In my case, career pieces kept falling into place and love life/family planning unfortunately did not.  I've had a few great relationships (with endings that weren't so great), but haven't yet found the one with whom to spend my life and have a family.  Notice I said "yet" - while I am no longer waiting for Mr. Right in order to have a child, I am still looking forward to one day meeting him and inviting him to be a part of my life.

I've lived in four cities outside of my hometown, and I'm currently trying to decide where I will finally settle.  If all goes well with my road to conception, I will need to make the decision within the year.  I'm consulting a lot on this issue with my family, since option #1 is in California, 3000 miles from my East Coast hometown, yet I want my family close by.  I moved back East 3 years ago because it was too hard for me to live so far away from my niece and nephew, who I love like they are my own (and a visit to my home would show it through photos of them and their artwork all throughout several rooms!).   So my parents and I are talking, and I'm trying to convince them that they would love to retire in California!  It is my dream to have my child(ren) stay with my mom when I am working.

I will likely adopt in the future, as I have always (since about 10 years old) felt passionately about adopting - particularly older children who otherwise remain in the system, since so many people want to adopt babies.  But I've always wanted to have my own biological child.  And my 35th birthday really put the fire under my behind to take some action.  The decision to become a Single Mother by Choice was not an arduous one for me - I'm professionally and financially stable, have a career that would allow me to relocate easily (once I decide on a city!), have a great support network of family and friends, and I want to be a mother more than anything.

I've spent the last 9 months in the "thinking" and "planning" stages and I'm ready to begin.  I even changed my job for a much less stressful job with more normal hours (I expect ... I don't start until tomorrow).  Unfortunately, my first RE visit included an ultrasound which revealed a large uterine fibroid.  I've had my MRI for more detailed analysis and expect to hear from the doctor tomorrow, but from what he could tell at the ultrasound, I will need to have surgery, which has put my baby-making efforts on hold for a moment.  The good news is that I've now officially started the process with my RE, and will be able to schedule my first IUI after the surgery to remove the fibroid.

So ... welcome to my blog.  Here's to random ramblings, thoughtful musings, baby dust, and BFPs!

~ Dove